meteor shower..

was something i got so excited about last friday (err. sat midnight?) while i was sipping vodka kurant and enjoying the company of my friends at home…. i thought i saw falling stars. silly. (oo na, hindi ako ganon ka smart!)

i saw 6 meteors! and i wished for each of it.. wala namang rule na hindi pwde diba? it felt good inside.

its 9 days before christmas and i haven't done any shopping yet. Not for a single soul. haay. im really feeling lazy about it, and i think i have spent too much on travelling that i completely got this out of range. oh well, let's see.

so, its yet another christmas alone.  I promised not to anymore whine about being single, but sometimes you just can't help it…. im getting better at it though, so i guess im really getting there (accepting it, that is)… to be honest, the problem is not the not-having-any-man around, in fact, there's a handful of them, but you just can't bring yourself to it, you find flaws, and you find it so stupid to ever give in to that person… i am right at most times, don't think am cherrypicking, (well, yeah i am of course) but with all these screening and choosing, and waiting, its just bit hurting to realize that you almost got what you want, but not all of it.

Met this nice man few months back, he's tall, moreno, and chinito, yeah, 3 checks on my list…. he's got a stable job, he's neat, and well-mannered.. 3 points again you bet… we had an on and off communication, mostly because i was busy and he's not the stalker-harass-you type.  He took any possible chance to talk to me, but didn't want to come across as annoying.. no, not at all.  He was sometimes funny, for a comedianne like me, it takes so much to make me laugh, but he was sometimes good at it, though he sucked too for the most part… you know what they say when one gets corny? yeah, you are in love. HAHA. i didn't think he was. It was so smooth for me to even think he was… besides, what does he know of me to like or love me?…..i was riding along the thought of us being friends, of me enjoying his presence outside the rush of my usual routine…. it was a peaceful moment having him in my life.

But too much of a good thing can be bad too.  He found himself liking me. I was dumb founded. I was kilig, yet i got so scared. I wasn't ready for him… I felt that something wasn't right after all this time.  I had to ask and ask over and over again where's the catch to all this?  I am not being hard on myself but I wasn't born yesterday also to think it is this perfect.  I am not saying he doesn't have flaws, of course he does…. just like most of us… but that wasn't my point either… if he was too good for me, then why do I have so much doubt?

I probed. I probed til i find myself sobbing again. He confessed a lot of things.  No, he wasn't playing with my feelings, and no, he wasn't cheating on me.  But yes, he is not all mine. Not in the official sense of it.  I thought i improved my screening skills, but i think i fell for this one again.  Damn. I hate it. I so much hate it.

If there's one wish i want to be granted right now, its me getting over it…..over him.

L