i moved on along with my blogsite. :)

no drama.  I just realized that i’ve moved on from having this blogsite (my dotph friends — nothing personal, it just that this site is way unfriendly compared to other blogsites) anyhoo, i still and will keep it as it has helped me write (and write off) the best of memories   however, i moved into another blogsite which you all can check! hehe. its nothing spectacular but if you enjoyed my endless ranting and raving here, i guess you will have the same thrill reading my other blog. 

For the one who commented about my blogs — THANK YOU. It would mean so much to me knowing that it has somehow made you laugh or smile…or cry… thanks again.

For those who were still hoping that my PSP is still on sale — honestly, I regreted having sold it but i know i wouldn’t last with it too…. its been sold about 2 years back, I guess same month as I posted it and he got it really cheap! I sold it for just 10K that time… oh well, he gave me pocket money to travel and get un-sober at the beach.

So, cheers to keeping this blog and enjoying a new journey with my not-so-new blogsite.  go check www.hotstellarchick.multiply.com.

happy easter.

L

Highlights of my 2007

Highlights of my 2007

• I turned 27! J

   

• I went to 2 provincial recruitment events – in Cebu and in Baguio… had a very fun time with my Accenture homies – Lala, Patty, Rommel, and Eugene.. too bad Sharon wasn’t there… I got the chance to be with my team too J

   

• I took on BPO recruitment lead role, even for a short time only

   

• I got bitten by a k9 J how sweet! His name is Omega, a 2 yr old German Shepherd… but despite that, I never had any trauma nor disliked dogs at all J 

   

• I endured 24 dreadful shots from the dog bite.. all in one sitting! J brave girl

   

• Shibby, my Labrador-native dog turned 1 yr old last April! J
• Met and dated a dyke.. but yeah, am still straight. J
• My bestfriend Jenny got married! J

   

• And she got preggy 4 months later J

   

 

• I went to Baguio again for Penagbengga festival with my old-accenture friends, Anna and Jehner… we had soooooo much fun! Got our board and lodging free, and we never enjoyed lechon manok the same way again

   

• Lost Shibby to lung failure.. one of my most painful moments ever. L

   

• Went to La Luz with my family!

   

• Got stung by a sea urchin! Nyaaakkk…

   

• I got the news! I am being assigned in Cebu for a year, which later on changed to 6 months, then 3 months

   

• Didn’t get promoted. Sniff sniff…. But am ok

   

• I flew to Cebu around 4x prior to my assignment… first time to do that in my lifetime! (fly that much in a year, that is)

   

• Started wearing retainers again…. Ouch!

   

• I went to Cebu for my assignment last July 18… my life was never the same again. J

   

• Met my HR rep enemy – Carla Castro…. Who is now one of my bestest friends in Cebu J

   

• Met new and exciting people! Paolo Santos, Nick Latombo, Kidd Musni, Jomai Garcia, Tiny Abellon, Nit Uy, Willard Padilla, Anthony Rivera, and Rommar Bonaobra.

   

• First time to live with someone I barely know… Amy Katigbak, my favorite roommate J

   

• First time to drink Rumcoke! HAHA thanks to Paolo!  I never thought I’d ever enjoy tanduay…!

   

• Got brokenhearted.  The jerkazoid cheated…. And is again, a daddy. HAHA. Some habits are hard to kill.

   

• Had my many firsts in Cebu!! From restaurants to non-stop clubbing, to beach trips, heartaches, and more….

   

• Lived in a hotel, for 3 straight months how’s that for posh living?

   

• Spent more time with my very good friend, Jerry! J

   

• Met the most obnoxious, un-christian, insecure, and pathetic woman alive.  Enuf said.

   

• Spent more time with my dad and my cousins J 

   

• Met Xuy. J

   

• Lost my xda phone. Darners!

   

• Spent happy time with Eugene when he came to visit me.

   

• Enjoyed Charles’ company, my BFF when he went to Cebu to visit J  (and heard all the juiciest chismis!)

   

• Got sun-soaked and burned from beach trips for almost 10 times J

   

• Met Mark T. J

   

• Went to Cebu and Dumaguete with my family!!!! The best moment ever! J

   

• Enjoyed Apo Island and the whole of Dumaguete!

   

• Reunion with my cousins, dad side. J

   

• Went again to Cebu and Dumaguete for Jomai’s birthday….. with my papa!

   

• Enjoyed a night of Cebu clubbing with bestfriend Afi J

   

• Got assigned in executive recruitment, first time to handle ISU. J tough tough baby!

   

• Dated a Spanish guy.

   

• Unexpectedly liking a friend…. (note : Liking, as in present tense)

   

• Got my new bed! J

   

• Changed numbers for like 3x.

   

• Got 2 cute puppies as a Christmas gift!! I SUPER love them!  Pinchy and Bachi (aka Dumbo)

   

• Went outreach in Hospicio de San Jose with Accenture homies J

   

• And another yearly outreach for my sister’s birthday, in Missionaries of Charity J

   

• Spent Christmas time with Manoi, Augs, and Ivan! I surely missed them J

   

So much to remember and be thankful for…. Even the not-so-good ones are worth remembering…. For it has made me a better person… much stronger, wiser, happier, and blessed.  The people I’ve met along the way have helped me get to know myself better, my values, and my aspirations in life.

It has been a wonderful year for me.  It was very tough, it was heartbreaking at most times, but it was all worth it for God was with me and I was victorious all the time J

Thank you 2007!

must be dreaming…

its crazy! i am getting kilig with this new guy… well, he's not really new, he's a not-so-old friend but i never ever thought i'd be liking him. weird! but just as what i always say, never say never.

as how Jomai would say — yeah, we've had moments… and in most times, its sooo not like him….but i am sooo liking it! =)

thought i'd search for his favorite song from frou frou… imagine, we have same taste in music! so i found it!

 Must Be Dreaming Lyrics
Artist(Band):Frou Frou

Pay close attention
Don't listen to me from now
George'll be flying this one
And it's anyone's guess how he does
This is the right turn, wrong universe
Taking me in full bloom
Fireball, careful with that
There, see what you made me do

I must be dreaming, or
We're onto something
I must be dreaming, for
I don't fall in love lawlessly
I must be dreaming, or
Pinch me to waking
So undeniably yours
As long as I'm losing it so completely

Incendiary glance
Be, come, and collide in me
<zoom in> <enhance> <hold>
While I go helplessly sky high
Magic eye sugar rushing don't <stop>

I must be dreaming, or
We're onto something
Hey just watcha make me for
I don't fall in love lawlessly
I must be dreaming, or
Pinch me to waking
So undeniably yours
As long as I'm losing it so completely

Euphoria
I can't take any more of yah
I'm losing it
Euphoria
I can't take any more of yah
I'm losing it

I must be dreaming, or
We're onto something
Hey just watcha make me for
I don't fall in love lawlessly
I must be dreaming, or
Pinch me to waking
So undeniably yours
As long as I'm losing
I'm losing it

(I must be dreaming)
I’m losing it
(I must be dreaming)
I must be dreaming
(I must be dreaming)
I must be dreaming

I must be dreaming

oh yeah, i must be just dreaming..

happiest christmas!

:)
L

meteor shower..

was something i got so excited about last friday (err. sat midnight?) while i was sipping vodka kurant and enjoying the company of my friends at home…. i thought i saw falling stars. silly. (oo na, hindi ako ganon ka smart!)

i saw 6 meteors! and i wished for each of it.. wala namang rule na hindi pwde diba? it felt good inside.

its 9 days before christmas and i haven't done any shopping yet. Not for a single soul. haay. im really feeling lazy about it, and i think i have spent too much on travelling that i completely got this out of range. oh well, let's see.

so, its yet another christmas alone.  I promised not to anymore whine about being single, but sometimes you just can't help it…. im getting better at it though, so i guess im really getting there (accepting it, that is)… to be honest, the problem is not the not-having-any-man around, in fact, there's a handful of them, but you just can't bring yourself to it, you find flaws, and you find it so stupid to ever give in to that person… i am right at most times, don't think am cherrypicking, (well, yeah i am of course) but with all these screening and choosing, and waiting, its just bit hurting to realize that you almost got what you want, but not all of it.

Met this nice man few months back, he's tall, moreno, and chinito, yeah, 3 checks on my list…. he's got a stable job, he's neat, and well-mannered.. 3 points again you bet… we had an on and off communication, mostly because i was busy and he's not the stalker-harass-you type.  He took any possible chance to talk to me, but didn't want to come across as annoying.. no, not at all.  He was sometimes funny, for a comedianne like me, it takes so much to make me laugh, but he was sometimes good at it, though he sucked too for the most part… you know what they say when one gets corny? yeah, you are in love. HAHA. i didn't think he was. It was so smooth for me to even think he was… besides, what does he know of me to like or love me?…..i was riding along the thought of us being friends, of me enjoying his presence outside the rush of my usual routine…. it was a peaceful moment having him in my life.

But too much of a good thing can be bad too.  He found himself liking me. I was dumb founded. I was kilig, yet i got so scared. I wasn't ready for him… I felt that something wasn't right after all this time.  I had to ask and ask over and over again where's the catch to all this?  I am not being hard on myself but I wasn't born yesterday also to think it is this perfect.  I am not saying he doesn't have flaws, of course he does…. just like most of us… but that wasn't my point either… if he was too good for me, then why do I have so much doubt?

I probed. I probed til i find myself sobbing again. He confessed a lot of things.  No, he wasn't playing with my feelings, and no, he wasn't cheating on me.  But yes, he is not all mine. Not in the official sense of it.  I thought i improved my screening skills, but i think i fell for this one again.  Damn. I hate it. I so much hate it.

If there's one wish i want to be granted right now, its me getting over it…..over him.

L

break away…

sooooooooooo loving this song!

 Break Away Lyrics
Artist(Band):John Mayer

if melody
is my destiny
then what's left of me,
i'll give to you..
and if next to me,
is all that you need to be
would you settle for fantasy,
if it's the best you could do?

can I have my cake?
can i have you too?
would you follow me?
could i ask you to?

would the world between us,
break these ties?
we worked so hard
to realize..
can a postcard say,
what i see in your eyes?

could i ever break away?

would i be satisfied,
and find peace inside
rolling half my life
over broken white lines?

can i have my cake,
can i have you too?
would you follow me,
could i ask you too?

will i wake up one morning,
and see your face
and the streaks on the window,
that the rainstorm makes?
could you bear all the waiting,
and the strength that it takes?

could i ever break away?
could i ever break away?

can i have my cake?
can i have you too?
would you follow me?
could i ask you to?

would the world between us,
break these ties?
we worked so hard to realize..
can a postcard say,
what i see in your eyes?

could i ever break away?
could i ever break away?
away…
away…
away…

three million thoughts….

won't go away….

random thoughts..

im still bitching bout being in Manila.  I really wanna go back to Cebu for three million reasons also. but well, am back, i just gotta love it. darn.

i wonder if long distance relationships do really work. I think it works for me (hello, been there, done that..) i don't mind having one again… so long as the other person is equally willing as i am.  (if you are reading this, HINT HINT). ahhh…. goodness.

i miss my dad sooooooooo much. i enjoyed every single moment with him while we were on vacation.  i wish i was so rich i need not work so i can visit him often… or much better if i live in dumaguete. that's heaven.

i miss my cousins! i never thought i'd be kinda attached to them coz we never really had the chance to grow up and have fun together. but well, never say never

im praning over a couple of things.  being single, nearing christmas, turning 28, going back to work, and being in this situation.  Ay ambot.

i should be sleeping now.  im starting to be emotional na naman. kadiri. hahaha

night.

:)

L

someday…

another sleepless night for lindsay.  i hate moments like these.. especially when ure up thinking of the three million thoughts. i thought am done with this. arghhh..

spent an hour staring at my glow-in-the-dark stars… hoping they do hear me wishing on them during nightime. harhar. i uploaded few songs in my ipod before i left cebu. i just randomly picked from Cowla's playlist. Anak ng pickles, di ko naman alam na kinda suicidal ang iba. sows… but i personally loved this one…

when all else is turning gray, cloudy, and unexplainable… just trust all will be ok Someday….

Someday

Nichole Nordeman

I believe in the rest of the story
I believe there's still ink in the pen
I have wasted my very last day
Trying to change what happened way back when

I believe it's the human condition
We all need to have answers to why
More than ever, I'm ready to say that I
Will still sleep peacefully
With answers out of reach from me until?

Someday all that's crazy
All that's unexplained
Will fall into place
And someday all that's hazy
Through a clouded glass
Will be clear at last
And sometimes we're just waiting
For someday

We are born with a lingering hunger
We are born to be unsatisfied
We are strangers who can't help but wander
And dream about the other side of?

Every puzzle's missing piece
Every unsolved mystery
More than half of every whole
Rests in the Hands that hold you for someday?.

almost lover…

i am actually over it… but i never thought i'd be able to spot a song that would capture it ALL….. sweet!

almost lover…. 

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

No

Well, I’d never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

quicksand…

loving this song!

quicksand - natalie walker

I must have been so stupid
I must have been so out of touch
He must have been so clever
Convincing me that this was really loveDesperate for words
Lost in a maze
It fell apart
I lost my place
It hurt so bad
I cried for days
Time healed all pain
Now I’m okayHow many times can my heart break
Disillusioned by the thought of flawless love
Will I every get there
Or am I drowning in quicksand
With no relief to come

I’ll rise from all my sorrow
Let the sun shine on my face
All alone in comfort
Its my solitude I will embrace

I will rise from my sorrow…

enjoy it too! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4NpWYWsqfQ

 :)

L

 

 

friendtiquettes…!

was one thing i never thought id have to deal with at  this point in my life…. for the longest time, ive been with friends whom ive know for almost half of my life now….though my work gives me the opportunity to meet new people and perhaps build friendships with them, (or even more… for a very few ) i never had that much difficulty to see through them.. maybe because i was so transparent from the very beggining and so what you see is what you get.. in fact, i get in trouble because of being too honest… no regrets though.

its sad when you get betrayed, it was never a pleasant thing anyways, but its much sadder and uglier if the other person doesn't even realize how much damage she has done to you…. or even if you already make her realize it, she still won't admit something went wrong… that yeah, she wasn't perfect at all.  In the course of my friendship with her,  I learned many things… i hope she did the same…. (wishful thinking lindsay)…… sheesh…

so for our friendtiquettes…! If you are new in a group, here are some tips for you…

(1) Know what your relationship status is… by heart.  If you are single, meaning you are unattached, not committed, currently dating but not exclusive, fresh out of break up with slight backsliding but not officially back together….  If you belong to this category, you CAN and MUST meet any men you want.. Considering —- he's of the same category.  Otherwise….(see item 3)

(2) If you are committed, in a relationship, married, living in with someone, happy or not, then I suggest you stick it out with that special someone you are with now.  I am sorry — you cannot and must not flirt nor get seriously involved with anyone else.  Otherwise….. (refer to item 3)

(3) If you are single and prefers to be the 3rd party, then you just have to learn how to live with this rule — take the crap and dont complain.  If you are committed and still wants another person, then learn how to live with this rule —- leave no trace of your mess. If its just sex, better mean it.

(4) If you are unhappy with your current relationship — admit it.  Stop telling the world how miserable your life is with that person…. worse, don't create a imaginary monster out of your partner.  This simply tells the world how you describe your ownself.  Deal with it, and decide.  Never use this as a reason to mess up other people's lives… nor an excuse to hurt other people…. trust me, you will end up being ALONE.

(5) Don't shop for what you cannot afford.  If you cannot keep up with the lifestyle, drop it.  Your friends will love you more if you are true to yourself.  Can't afford the beach trip….. just enjoy the sun. Its that simple.

(6) Its not always about you.  The world does not belong to you.  If you have a problem with patience, you have to know that you can either shut up and try to work on it or deal with how the world will treat you.  The world owes you nothing. 

(7) If you have nothing good to say, ZIP it.

(8) If you have a problem zipping it, then die of hyperventilation or heart attack. I don't fucking care.

(9) If you finished college, or perhaps even Highschool, then I bet you got good manners.  If not, ask your parents why. 

(10) Good manners isn't always about saying the magic words (that's how mama would call it — such as thank you, please, etc) Good manners is about doing the right thing without having to think too much about it.  To stress it out, its doing the right thing using your common sense.  Example, if its not yours, don't own it… no, don't even pretend.

(11) Be smart.  Be assertive.  Anything overboard is annoying. 

(12) If youre not a whore nor a hooker, don't dress like one.  If its your sought-after career, deal with the consequences. 

(13) Your friends are no pimp unless, otherwise, you are item #12.  All else, you just got a supportive friend. 

(14) If you hit the club, remember rule #1 — if you wanna have fun, make sure you know how to clean up your mess after.  There's no such thing as "just dancing" — its either club dancing or dry sex dancing.  Oh yeah, there is such thing. 

(15) If its your friend's date — hands off.  No matter how much you drool over him or her, its not yours, and yeah refer to item #10.  Its taboo to be a date hugger.

(16) If youre in a party, then be at the party.  Don't go elsewhere, don't take a shower or a bubble bath, don't take a long phone call nor spend the whole night texting.  Manners? Get it?

(17) Don't ditch plans on the last minute…. and I mean last minute…. its so freaking annoying….. and if you do this, better not ask "are you guys mad at me" unless youre ready to get slapped. (haha)

(18) If your friends tell you that he's not into you, don't insist.  Theyre not kidding. 

(19) If you found out he's into someone else, be happy.  Your thoughts don't matter anyway.  Just don't steal the scene.  Its never pretty.

(20) If you feel something is wrong — have the balls to TALK.  No, chatting doesn't count.  Don't text or chat your friends and say "I am sorry, I wanna put this all behind me now"  don't say "if you have questions, just ask me ok?" — its not always your call… I am sorry.  Don't just feel it, sit down and deal with it.

The list can go on but ill keep it at 20.  As if this is not enough to teach you some damn lesson.

Its true, you gain some, you lose some.  But those you gain, arent always bound to be lost.

Cheers to happy and true friendships!

:)
L

damn all these beautiful girls…

 like me and carla!!!

beautiful DRUNK girls one saturday night.

it was embarassing but liberating….. woohooo…

Thanks to my BFF charles for making the weekend much much funner! He witnessed it all! bwahahahah!

love ya dutdot and BFF!

let's enjoy tito tanduay again soon!

my new world in cebu.

its now my 39th day here in Cebu…everyday has been such a miracle, a blessing, and a fun day.

i was scared moving out from home even if i know that a 2-star hotel lifestyle awaits me. i was scared of leaving my family even if i know that this will give me more chance of seeing my dad, and my cousins.  i was scared of leaving my friends even i know that i will gain more friends here… i was scared of facing independence even if i know that i will sweetly surivive it.

now that ive been here for more than a month, i cannot run of out things to say why i love being in Cebu… yeah the fact remains that im homesick at most times, i miss my family and friends, but i cannot say that i miss my life in Manila.. oh no no no.. Cebu life is just a lot, lot better.

I've met the nicest people here, not to mention those who are so lambing just like me. hahaha… ive been to the yummiest and CHEAPEST food places in town! my goodness! i have to take jogging and badminton seriously just to get away from the guilt…. of pigging out but of course, i am never successful! how could i, when i got friends here who are just but excited to show us the beyuti of Cebu! I still have my usual nightlife, i go clubbing, and mind you, its way cheaper, and funner! PLUS more chances of meeting cutsie pies…. pero hanggang cute lang talaga… either theyre too young, taken, or theyre freaking gay. no offense. 

Of course its not all colorful, i've had my saddest moments here too.. just few weeks back, i found myself, heartbroken… oh well, what do you do when u get urself heartbroken??? you wallow in tears, you cry like there's no tomorrow, you curse like you own the world, then you pray, pray a lot, forgive, and move on… where am i now?  — i am doing it ALL at the same time.  but not so successful yet..

Wondering why I am having the time of my life? — Here's why:

1. Best restos.  Baby back ribs, half slab P129 each, eat-all-you-can oysters and more P159 each, dimsum at P41 per serving (a generous one!), baked scallops, P90 per serving, larsians! the coliseum wide bbq place… the cheapest ever!  pocha talaga!  waaahhh..! everything else in damn cheap.

2. Clubbing. no entrance or just 150 — take ur pick.  drinks — beers at 4-4-110 only. its P180 by the pitcher of daiquiri… or 200 for wengweng. youre sure to get drunk.  Rhumcoke? buy a bottle and keep it if you don't finish it. tanduay at 125 each — then have a bottle keeper drama, get famous for getting alcoholic!   Go visit the Loft — my favorite place, vudu, and for the ultimate pang-masa dance the night away saga — go to paseo.

3. BEACHES!! i just spent my weekend in bantayan. I so fucking love it! heaven heaven heaven! Spent just 2K for a sultan-living overnight cheap eh? the beaches here are just 30-45 mins away… that's even quicker than my betterliving-makati route!!! there's 500 buffet for a day trip… there's P2000 for a plantation bay day trip…. cmon, what else can be better than that?/?!

4. OUTPOST — if you are one helluva music lover, you have to see this place.  An old spanish house converted to a resto… PLUS there are talented cebuano musicians who will make the evening so much better! saw Pandora — damn, i love this band, plus all the other bands who made my weekends so much crazier.  I've witnessed ska, reggae, rock, and a lil of everything… No entrance fee, just eat and get un-sober.

5. MALLS — uncrowded, with lots of on-going sale.  Shops that we don't have in Manila. i just got more-crazy with the shopping… (hence the poverty hahahhaa) —

I can go on but i hafta end this coz its a holiday and im online — how sick..   im leaving now and enjoy larsian's dinner with my friendly friends… kurant and rumcoke later…. (huh? we have work tom??/!?) WHAT? harhar. (who caresy cares) -

I am now struggling between staying for good or leaving Cebu.  I really dunno where to go, but for the time being, i am enjoying it to the fullest.

i was scared, but i got braver. i was scared but i got wiser. i was scared but i got happier. 

Happy monday!

:)
L

love is a bitterpill

Love is a bitterpill.  It was nothing but a statement to me a couple of years back. I was all single then, never fell in love, but was around people who got crazy over it. My friend wrote a poem about this and he recited it to me a lot of times, I acted like I knew exactly what he was talking about…. Love is a bitterpill to swallow, so he said.  I never really did dwell on that statement, but for some strange reason it would hit me every now and then.. the poem was short and was easy to memorize, yet this was the only line I could ever remember.. I never really thought I would ever get to say this line to myself, I didn’t care bout love, I don’t even know how it feels back then… all I knew was I had a crush, and all I ever wanted was for him to like me back, he never did.. but I didn’t feel much pain then, in fact, I can’t remember what I felt that time.

Love is a bitterpill.  Its addicting yet hard to swallow. For some reason, love makes people very stubborn, hence making love a bitterpill… we insist on what’s not there, on who’s not there, and what’s never there… we pursue things that are clearly not meant for us, we justify things and make it all look worthy, even if sometimes, it is a bitterpill to swallow.

I can count by just one hand how many times I found love.  I lost it, but yeah, I found it at in the most exciting and strangest of moments.. of the few times that I loved, the last one hit me bad. Oh so bad. It found me at the most fascinating moments.. and I lost it in the most painful way. I never took “chemistry” in couples seriously, it was really not in my must-have list, but I swear, when you have it, you will never get enough of it… you will get so drawn to it that you get so disillusioned that it is what makes your relationship exciting… you find it so phenomenal that it was all that mattered to you… you brush off issues and unanswered questions… all because you-could-not-pass-up-such-chemistry shit…I was such a bad victim. The smart-miss-know-it-all-when-it-comes-to-love guru fell for it.  Such shame. No regrets though. I loved every moment of it.. but I know that it didn’t love me back at all. 

I made love sugarcoated… even if I knew it was a bitterpill.

strictly two bottles

so he paid for my lunch by surprise, texted me goodnight.. greeted me good morning, and invited me for dinner. sometimes, i think this is what i get for being extra nice to most people… sometimes too, i think other people are just too nice… but most people think otherwise.. everyone thinks i get this treatment because a guy likes me.. or he likes me.. and the moment i heard that statement, i brushed it all off in an instant…i guard myself with "just-friends" and it seem to be working well for me.

til last night happened. we went for our monday STBs (strictly two bottles) and had our usual talk.. the not so heavy talks but are damn good conversations.. next minute i saw him walking to the stage and grabbed the microphone, i didnt look at him, i got scared.

"all my life" by America was the song. i almost fell off my chair and wanted the earth to eat me whole. my supposedly-wedding song.  i am over it, but am not over loving that song. he sang the whole song while staring at me. i got numb… i didnt feel a thing at all or i was just good at brushing it all off so I won't have to deal with it?

I tried to enjoy the night. His voice was really something. He kept singing all the cheesy-mushy songs which I am not much of a fan, but just the same, I went on with the night.. I can say though, I didn’t try to enjoy it, I just did naturally.

Enjoyed as I was, I still prayed that he’d stop singing.  Until he started singing my ultimate favorite song — “birthday song” by don mclean.  He just hit the right buttons. Damn.

I dunno why I am really pushing myself to run away from this.  I started asking myself….. Why do I keep on walking away from the things that makes me happy? And why do I keep chasing those that aren’t mine to cherish in the first place?  If my mom was just here, I know she’d say “you’re starting to decide to be lonely for the rest of your life”… sucks.

So, does he like me?

I don’t wanna find out.

L

bitterpill

Bitter pill to swallow
Slidin' down my throat
Bitter pill to swallow
How it makes me choke
How the hell am i gonna find
Happiness and peace of mind
When i'm losin' all the time?
Yes… bitter

Don't you ever call me
I don't wanna see your face
Don't …
-bitterpill, annie lennox

my bestfriend’s wedding

 one of the most memorable moments of our college kada. Jenny finally got married!

now its just me and jacq who's left.

with jacq? i can only wish.

with me?

who cares?

i miss my friends!

:)
L

closure vs natural death

Closure.  One of the famous words, often abused by me and my friends wayback in HS… even in college.  Mostly used to end a very dramatic break up, or maybe finally end up ties with friends after a horrifying bullsession. as i was growing up, my definition of closure became deeper, hence, more difficult to handle.

I fell in love with a man whom i know i should'nt be liking in the first place. he's got a kid, and a steady gf… is he happy? i doubt.  but he's in a freaking relationship, that much i know… and i need to know to finally end this. Do i need a closure? I believe so.

When does closure happen? When do you know it has finally happened? Does it really change anything? or do you just label a conversation as such to get off the guilt lane, or probably push yourself to move on? I really dont know.  I tried having closure with him, God know how many times, and yet I still find myself, a day or two after that i am stuck in the same sick situation.  Thinking about it, closure can only happen if you have just walked out and got over the whole thing… only when you are able to pick up yourself and smile again will be the only time you can have closure… 

Walking out and getting over it is a choice. a decision that you have to drastically make so you can proceed with the anger, the hurt, the healing, and finally the closure stage.  However, there are some instances in our lives where you don't want to walk out of it, nor end it… you just wanna feel every inch of it until you all get numb, beaten, and helpless… this is what i call natural death.  You can be sure that after a death is just yet another victory awaiting.

Closure or natural death are both painful, yet peaceful in the end…  it can be as tormenting and as rewarding as you would want it to be.

So, where do I go now? Closure or natural death?

…heaven help.

L

<footnote>

Closure:

Noun: Psychology.

Miss Fortune or Misfortune?

I'm either of the two in most cases.  

feb - flew to cebu with my favorite colleagues.  : a K-9 bit my arm. had to endure 24 shots in one sitting.

march - became interim bpo recruitment lead (on lala's behalf) : was nearly-confined due to overfatigue.

april - first beach trip this summer; got myself a raise : i lost my wallet.  all IDs, 6K cold cash, and more.

May - confirmed cebu assignment : got heartbroken.

June - beach trip to cebu with cousins : got a new freaking stalker

July -  first beach trip to la luz with family! : i lost my dog (this is the most painful of them all)

and I got into an accident (AGAIN!!).  Damn sea urchin.

I got countless blessings, but i got painful share of misfortunes too.  

what made my sea urchin sting more painful????  I cannot wear high heels. damnestest!

im on vacation leave today…..

so who's got lucky?

:)

L

ps - to remove sea urching sting — put affected area on top of a fire/burning candle to melt it away.  Put calamansi or vinegar first if you wish.

when it hits you, it hits you…..

and no, its not even love. its depression… how sad, i know i know.. its not easy dealing with so much in your life especially when you got a lot of people counting on you. I don't know how else to sugarcoat feelings when its not my personality to begin with. 

so much going on at work for the past few weeks… months… i didnt expect that being a career woman would hurt you as bad as being heartbroken. of course i was disillusioned. what the hell was i thinking? damn.  i told myself (and was quite an expert on this) that I should compartamentalize my emotions…but if its work that breaks your heart, how else do you deal with that? I dunno.

Im leaving in almost 2 weeks time and it seems like Ive not accomplished anything with my transition. I dunno where to start and how to start it…. sigh. i wish id sleep long and wake up in Cebu.

then my dog got sick, so sick that he won't eat… he won't greet me warmly when i reach home… and that he won't hug my thighs when he sees me.. ive been crying today and i couldnt concentrate at work.  I swear id do anything just to make him feel better…. i wish the vet can already determine what's wrong with Shibby   waaaahhhhh….

i thought this is just PMS.

of course i was wrong.

:(

bagay ba sakin ang kulot…

I remember listing down a couple of “must-do” last January for this year..  Some of which were already completed, some still in progress, while some are just left hanging.  Call it procrastination, its one trait I am guilty of… who isn’t anyways? J

Its been monthsss since I last had my haircut, I thought of having it really long this year, in fact, I told myself not to cut it until I get myself a boyfriend… who am I kidding??!? I might have rapunzel’s hair and still be single… its not a matter of finding the right man, I realized, there is no right man, but there is right time and right attitude, then, the right man happens… (yes, i'm working on my right attitude still) …. so going back, I know that couple-dom is not likely to happen in my book anytime soon so I decided to cut the crap and get my haircut. Liberating indeed.

But that’s not the kicker just yet —- I had my haircut, and finally had my hair permed. I’m certified kulot! HAHAHA. No, not the cheap-kinky kulot (I made sure my panglalait doesn’t backfire) but I got just what I wanted – distressed look.. Just-got-out-of-bed type of curl…. I think that’s kinda hot.. Don’t you think? HAHAHA.

Thanks to Elphie my stylist, who now has his own salon! I grabbed the chance that it’s still in its soft opening and so rates are still pretty much discounted…. And he’s still very high about his new business (madaling tumawad!) I realized it’s hard to trust your crown to just anyone.. I wanted to experiment and have a buncha Koreans do my hair. … mind you, in Cebu!  But I know that isn’t a really bright idea 

So, one down for must-do this year!

J

L